No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
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James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
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