I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
