corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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