my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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