So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
