I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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