I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
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He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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