This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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