i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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