I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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