I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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