Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
