The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
