I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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