I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
