I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
