He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
