Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have feelings that need drinking.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
