Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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