dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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