I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Pants are for mortals
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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