I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
