I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT