You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
