After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.