I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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