Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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