Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
home. puking in laundry basket.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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