OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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