i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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