I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
