the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
