I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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