Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
