it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
