She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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