you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
