Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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