theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
