first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
