He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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