You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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