yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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