A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We are all done wearing pants today
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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