Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
