i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
