And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
