Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
