its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
