Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
