Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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