I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
