Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
