Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
