My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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