so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
