Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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