the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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