kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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