Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
